Sports Gazette

by sports journalism students at St Mary's University, London

A Christmas XI of current Premier League players

Posted on 8 December 2018 by Oli Stein

Grab yourself a plate of Tur-Ki Sung-yeung, a side of Marko Ar-sprout-ovic and drizzle some Gravy Propper over it and tuck in to this Christmas XI of current Premier League players.

Co-managed by Sean Mince Pyche and Eddie Snowe (ha…), this band of merry men might not survive the rigours of English football’s hectic winter schedule, but they’re bringing the cheer. If all goes wrong, David Joyes is interested in taking over.

Saint Nick Pope

What a name for Christmas. First name shared with the man himself, second name with the most important figure in the Christian religion.

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Rumour has it that the Burnley keeper has spent his time injured preparing for Christmas mass… Or practising his entry and exit routes for Christmas Eve forays as Saint Nicholas.

Nathaniel Wine

Most people will be drinking a bit too much over Christmas, you’d imagine. If this doesn’t tickle your fancy, what about Brighton’s Lewis Drunk? I know I’ll be… Or Danny Drinkwater To Combat The Hangover? (I’ll stop…)

Willy Holly

Holly has a long-standing association with Christmas, perhaps something Willy Boly wants to emulate at Wolves.

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Having said that, it’s allegedly unlucky to bring holly into the house before Christmas Eve. Nobody tell Nuno.

Andreas Christian-sen

This could have been Christian Fuchs, but I’m trying to think outside the box here.

The Gospel of Matthew Lowton

A right back at left back, you say? It’s Christmas. Come on, miracles can happen.

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A regular fixture of both the Burnley back four and the Christmas tradition, the Gospel of Matthew tells the story of the Three Wise Men. Whether Lowton will make the trip this year is as of yet unknown…

Henrikh Myrhh-khitaryan

Danny Myrhh-phy and Paul Myrhh-son are long gone from the Premier League, so Henrikh Myrhh-khitaryan it is! He should have a chat with The Gospel of Matthew Lowton about this.

Jean Michael Merry

It’s not been so merry for Jean Michael Seri at Craven Cottage so far. Fulham are bottom of the Premier League table and you know how the story goes for those propping up the league on Christmas Day.

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Maybe Claudio Ranieri can instil a bit of Christmas cheer get Seri looking merry again.

Gravy Propper

Because what’s a plate of Christmas food if it isn’t completely soaked in gravy? Now that’s Propper Christmas food. Davy style.

Marko Ar-sprout-ovic

Massively clutching at straws here. But arguably just like Marko Arnautovic, Brussels sprouts often split opinion.

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Some love them, others don’t want them anywhere near their plate. No comment made on whether Arnautovic smells, though…

Gabriel Sleigh-sus

Listen… Just be thankful I didn’t pick Gabriel Baby Jesus, okay?

Andy Carol

Because who doesn’t love a Christmas carol? Or a Boxing Day Man of the Match performance back in 2016 against Swansea, setting up the first and scoring the last in a 4-1 win for West Ham.

Featured photograph/Digidreamgrafix/Wiki Commons