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A Christmas XI of current Premier League players

Grab yourself a plate of Tur-Ki Sung-yeung, a side of Marko Ar-sprout-ovic and drizzle some Gravy Propper over it and tuck in to this Christmas XI of current Premier League players.

Co-managed by Sean Mince Pyche and Eddie Snowe (ha…), this band of merry men might not survive the rigours of English football’s hectic winter schedule, but they’re bringing the cheer. If all goes wrong, David Joyes is interested in taking over.

Saint Nick Pope

What a name for Christmas. First name shared with the man himself, second name with the most important figure in the Christian religion.

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Rumour has it that the Burnley keeper has spent his time injured preparing for Christmas mass… Or practising his entry and exit routes for Christmas Eve forays as Saint Nicholas.

Nathaniel Wine

Most people will be drinking a bit too much over Christmas, you’d imagine. If this doesn’t tickle your fancy, what about Brighton’s Lewis Drunk? I know I’ll be… Or Danny Drinkwater To Combat The Hangover? (I’ll stop…)

Willy Holly

Holly has a long-standing association with Christmas, perhaps something Willy Boly wants to emulate at Wolves.

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Having said that, it’s allegedly unlucky to bring holly into the house before Christmas Eve. Nobody tell Nuno.

Andreas Christian-sen

This could have been Christian Fuchs, but I’m trying to think outside the box here.

The Gospel of Matthew Lowton

A right back at left back, you say? It’s Christmas. Come on, miracles can happen.

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A regular fixture of both the Burnley back four and the Christmas tradition, the Gospel of Matthew tells the story of the Three Wise Men. Whether Lowton will make the trip this year is as of yet unknown…

Henrikh Myrhh-khitaryan

Danny Myrhh-phy and Paul Myrhh-son are long gone from the Premier League, so Henrikh Myrhh-khitaryan it is! He should have a chat with The Gospel of Matthew Lowton about this.

Jean Michael Merry

It’s not been so merry for Jean Michael Seri at Craven Cottage so far. Fulham are bottom of the Premier League table and you know how the story goes for those propping up the league on Christmas Day.

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Maybe Claudio Ranieri can instil a bit of Christmas cheer get Seri looking merry again.

Gravy Propper

Because what’s a plate of Christmas food if it isn’t completely soaked in gravy? Now that’s Propper Christmas food. Davy style.

Marko Ar-sprout-ovic

Massively clutching at straws here. But arguably just like Marko Arnautovic, Brussels sprouts often split opinion.

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Some love them, others don’t want them anywhere near their plate. No comment made on whether Arnautovic smells, though…

Gabriel Sleigh-sus

Listen… Just be thankful I didn’t pick Gabriel Baby Jesus, okay?

Andy Carol

Because who doesn’t love a Christmas carol? Or a Boxing Day Man of the Match performance back in 2016 against Swansea, setting up the first and scoring the last in a 4-1 win for West Ham.

Featured photograph/Digidreamgrafix/Wiki Commons

Oli Stein
Having graduated from the University of Bristol with a degree in history in 2016, Oli, 23, spent the next two years working for RealSport, a sports media company based in North London. Starting as a football writer, Oli gradually progressed to the role of editor, contributing a total of 3.1 million personal reads, before making the decision to join St Mary’s University for the 2018/19 academic year, where he is currently an editor for the Sports Gazette. Outside of work, Oli has been a sports fanatic his entire life, falling into a long lineage of Tottenham Hotspur fans. He can regularly be found bemoaning their current lack of a home along Wembley Way. You can follow Oli on Twitter: @steinoliver_
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