The Non Rugby Playing XV

I sat and pondered on the train after hearing the news of Serena Williams’, and later, Roger Federer’s retirement. I could only wonder – what if some of my childhood sporting heroes and heroines had played the sport I love, rugby?

One thing led to another, as I started to pen down ‘My Retired Sports People Rugby playing XV’.

A couple of ground rules:

1. Must have played or participated in international sport.
2. Must have retired or announced their retirement.

The Playing XV

1. Loose Head Prop – Tyson Fury. Good luck pushing him. An immovable object in the scrum!
2. Hooker – Mike Tyson. The front row is known by many to be the ‘dark arts’ of sport. A perfect candidate for toeing the line, which is an essential skill in the scrum. He will also want to take a bite out of the opposition
3. Tighthead Prop – Dame Valerie Kasanita Adams. Tough, resilient, and evergreen. She is a four-time world, two-time Olympic champion. She knows how to win.  She’s got so much gold by now; she’d make King Midas envious!
4. Lock – Chris Gayle.  A tall bruising second rower. One belonging to the Bakkies Botha, Maro Itoje, and Jonny Hill school of ideology. His long innings proves his ability to last the entire eighty minutes.
5. Lock – Peter Crouch. Standing at more than two meters, he can steal the opposition ball as if the other team were crouching. He always played with a smile; an attribute rarely found in the second row.
6. Blindside Flank – Michael Phelps. What’s there not to like? Long arms for the line out, quick feet and broad shoulders. Ticks all the boxes for a Dallaglio-esque loose forward.
7. Openside Flank – Ian Thorpe. In swimming we trust. Great competitor who surely fits the McCaw mould.
8. Number Eight – Roy Keane. Number eights are the engine room for most forward packs. Leading from the front was his second nature. Not forgetting waiting for eight months to avenge an injury.
9. Scrum-half – Shane Warne. Nines are known for their tactical ingenuity, and usually have a knack for steering trouble. Warne was one for both jobs.
10. Fly-half – Edgar Davids. Nicknamed ‘The Pitbull’ by compatriot and manager Louis van Gaal, the city of Turin surely remember his partnership with Zizou. If Zidane was the flower whose thorns were found only upon intimate inspection, Davids’ thorns were immediately apparent.
11. Left Wing – Ab de Villers. Mr 360 was nimble quick and acrobatic. Can finish chances and create some too. Looking at his shot repertoire, he could invent some tries too.
12. Inside Centre – Roger Federer. An ability to switch from all-out defence to an awe-inspiring attack in a devastating flicker of time.
13. Outside Centre – Serena Williams. Indefatigable at her peak. A defensive maestro, with amazing agility and attacking nous.
14. Openside Wing – Allison Felix. Like a phoenix, an expert in rising from the ashes! The USA speed merchant not only has the pace, but also the versatility to be a world class 14.
15. Fullback – Zinedine Zidane. At his best, Zidane was footballing elegance personified. He was inimitable. With his partner in crime, the hard-hitting Dutchman Davids, the 10-15 axis would be something to marvel at!

Head Coach

Butch Harmon. The most high-profile player coached by Harmon was, of course, Tiger Woods. The two worked together between 1993 and 2004, with Harmon helping to guide Woods through his earliest days as a professional.

With Tiger bombing drives and winning tournaments in equal measure, Harmon’s stock within the game quickly grew. He’s coached lots of prolific golfers. He should be able to handle the egos in this star-studded team

Assistant Coach

Phil Jackson. Several Type-A personalities here. If you watched the Last Dance, you understand why he will be best suited for this role. Quite happy to let the players play too.